The Daddy Issue: Part Two

Here we go again!

Five years ago, in what can only be excused by the effects of a global pandemic, I commemorated my estrangement from my father by making a Father’s Day collage of all the men I wished would replace him.

Four years ago, in what can only be excused by the effects of a global pandemic and living abroad alone, I did it again.

Therefore, I am thrilled to present the sequel to what I at the time considered ‘my most demented post yet’, (debatable!), where I rank the Daddies in the collage to determine who will have the privilege of driving me to and paying for my admission to Castle Howard (my contribution is a 50% discount on entry thanks to ArtPass).

16. Uncle Monty, Withnail and I
    I really don’t want Uncle Monty to be my father. Firstly, he’s Uncle Monty, and secondly, I don’t want to look like Richard Griffiths. The only plausible situation in which I could be Monty’s offspring is when he tried sex with a lesbian, which unfortunately resulted in my conception. I don’t think my parents would even attempt to get together, but I think Monty would try to be a good father, and he’s rich, so he could just buy my affections.

15. Uncle Frank, Home Alone
    Again, I don’t want Uncle Frank to be my father. He isn’t so much a villain as he is an obstacle that is to be endured. He’s cheap, he’s cruel, and he compares leaving a child behind in another country to leaving a pair of reading glasses, and yet, I would still rather have Uncle Frank.

14. Tsar Nicholas II
    By all accounts, Nicholas II was a very doting father, I’m just not sure that I want to stick around for the ending.

13. Major Benjy Flint, Mapp and Lucia
    My vast love for Mark Gatiss aside, Major Benjy does have PTSD and self-medicates with alcohol and Elizabeth Mapp’s affections. Provided I didn’t have Mapp’s teeth, I don’t think they would be terrible parents. I think Benjy would try to pull himself together and love me as best as he possibly could, but it would be mostly expressed through golf lessons. Quai hai!

12. Oswald Cobb/The Penguin - The Batman
    The Batman wasn’t even in theatres when I made this. All I had was press shots of Colin Farrell doing his best James Gandolfini impression, and it was still enough to earn him a place. I haven’t watched The Penguin, but I don’t think Os has kids - could I be his Meadow Soprano? I’m willing to give it a try!