Four years ago, in what can only be excused by the effects of a global pandemic, I commemorated my estrangement from my father by making the above Father’s Day collage of all the men I wished would replace him.
Sadly, my father’s behaviour cannot be excused by the effects of a global pandemic, and, as such, our estrangement continues. In Wise Children Angela Carter wrote that, “A mother is a biological fact, whilst a father is a movable feast,” and though I can gain some comfort in knowing that this is for the best and that there are plenty of wonderful men in my life, I still yearn for an older man to take me to art galleries and leave me his vast fortune.
As such, in what may be my most demented post yet, here is my ranking of the Daddies to determine who will have the privilege of paying £22 to take me to the John Singer Sargent exhibition at the Tate Britain.
Skeletor
This is a reference to Stewart Lee declaring that he hated Richard ‘The Hamster’ Hammond, “More than anyone who’s ever lived and fictional characters, like Skeletor.” And seeing that I hate my father more than anyone who’s ever lived and fictional characters, I am willing to give Skeletor a try. Whilst I cannot comment on the quality of his parenting, I don’t see how it can be any worse than my father’s attempt.
Luca Guadagnino
No hate to Luca, but he’s just too busy to give me the love and the attention I need. That, and any father of mine would know better than to try and remake Brideshead Revisited.
Uther Pendragon, Merlin
Arrogant, foolish, a little too partial to chasing skirt. I’ve been here before, and it does not end well. At least Uther has a pink Nintendo DS.
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