The Daddy Issue
Oh Lord.
Four years ago, in what can only be excused by the effects of a global pandemic, I commemorated my estrangement from my father by making the above Father’s Day collage of all the men I wished would replace him.
Sadly, my father’s behaviour cannot be excused by the effects of a global pandemic, and, as such, our estrangement continues. In Wise Children Angela Carter wrote that, “A mother is a biological fact, whilst a father is a movable feast,” and though I can gain some comfort in knowing that this is for the best and that there are plenty of wonderful men in my life, I still yearn for an older man to take me to art galleries and leave me his vast fortune.
As such, in what may be my most demented post yet, here is my ranking of the Daddies to determine who will have the privilege of paying £22 to take me to the John Singer Sargent exhibition at the Tate Britain.
Skeletor
This is a reference to Stewart Lee declaring that he hated Richard ‘The Hamster’ Hammond, “More than anyone who’s ever lived and fictional characters, like Skeletor.” And seeing that I hate my father more than anyone who’s ever lived and fictional characters, I am willing to give Skeletor a try. Whilst I cannot comment on the quality of his parenting, I don’t see how it can be any worse than my father’s attempt.
Luca Guadagnino
No hate to Luca, but he’s just too busy to give me the love and the attention I need. That, and any father of mine would know better than to try and remake Brideshead Revisited.
Uther Pendragon, Merlin
Arrogant, foolish, a little too partial to chasing skirt. I’ve been here before, and it does not end well. At least Uther has a pink Nintendo DS.
Lars Mikkelsen
Poor Lars Mikkelsen, enrolling in drama school only for his younger brother Mads to make his cinematic debut in Denmark’s first gangster film to the universal praise of critics before Lars has even graduated.As someone who also has a much cooler younger brother and likes to appropriate Russia (he played the Vladimir Putin stand-in for Netflix’s House of Cards), I’d feel Lars and I would get along nicely. Would I rather spend time with Mads? Yes, obviously.
Nigel Slater
I adore Nigel Slater. I love his recipes, his Instagram and his taste in knitwear. He could not be my biological father for very obvious reasons, but a girl can dream.
King Florestan XXIV, The Sleeping Beauty
As much as all the male character dancers at the Royal Ballet are Daddy, there’s a gentleness present in Christopher Saunders’s performance of King Florestan that you don’t get with Gary Avis’s cold and haughty interpretation. That being said, he still tries to put some women to death for knitting.
Keanu Reeves
I don’t particularly care for John Wick, but I think Keanu would make my mother very happy, and for that reason, I am willing to tolerate him.
Lucius Malfoy
I can’t quite distinguish whether I want Lucius Malfoy or Jason Isaacs, but regardless of the answer, I want a father that can serve cunt, and no one else is doing it like Jason in that laid blond wig. An icon!
Jared Harris
I just think he’s neat! I love his raspy voice and his sad hedgehog energy. I want to sit on his lap in a non-sexual way as we listen to A Tramp Shining and talk about Richard.
***Zone of Exclusion***
Sadly, Mads Mikkelsen and Christopher Plummer as Captain von Trapp have been eliminated from this ranking due to a deeply disturbing conflict of interest from the writer.
Michael, Mum
He’s just lovely. Who knew Peter Mullen could be cute?
Samuel Perlman, Call Me By Your Name
We’re in very obvious territory, but who am I to say no to living with Michael Stuhlbarg in a sprawling Italian villa?Please note: the version of Samuel Perlman that appears in André Aciman’s cash-grab sequel to Call Me By Your Name, in which he has divorced Amira Casar and impregnates a woman thirty years his junior, is excluded from consideration.
Dill Penderghast, Easy A
A classic for a reason. Kind, funny and, “gay once for a while,” he’s also entirely devoted to Patricia Clarkson. He’s a dream come true.
Marty Crane, Frasier
Marty Crane is not the father that Frasier and Niles would have likely chosen for themselves, but he’s the perfect father for them because he loves them unconditionally in spite of this. Sometimes, there are moments in Frasier when Kelsey Grammar looks at John Mahoney with such genuine tenderness you know that he’s not acting, which makes his tribute to Mahoney, “He was my father. I loved him,” all the more beautiful.
Mark Kermode
Of all the men on this collage, Mark Kermode bears the closest physical resemblance to my Father. In fact, it’s such a close resemblance that my brother and I have decided that he is our father, to the point that we send each other pictures from Mark Kermode’s Instagram and refer to him as Dad. Why isn’t he at number one? Because it’s weird! He has actual children that aren’t us! We’re very traumatised, ok?
Alex Jennings (as Alan Bennett)
I love Alex Jennings, I love Alan Bennett, have I died and gone to heaven?I used to have plans for a sitcom in which Alex Jennings would play the protagonist’s wrong’un father, which is a casting choice I stand by several years later, especially as I think he would appreciate the change from period dramas. I actually met Alex when I was twelve at my school’s prizegiving ceremony (don’t ask), and he was absolutely lovely. It isn’t hard.