How to write an author bio
You finish your book. You run the damn thing through the free version of Grammarly and then again for good measure, and once you have appeased the gods of comma placement and scored at least a 92, you are finished. But not quite.
What no one tells you about getting a book ready for submission to publishers is how many supplementary materials are required. I wrote about my cursed attempts to film an introductory video here, but I also had to write a synopsis (not easy when writing a ghost story), a short pitch for this novel and pitches for my other projects.
A request for a short biography came through when I was having ice cream with my friend and fellow writer, Anna. And whilst it was deeply chic to be interrupted in Fortnum and Mason, it became apparent that I would run into a problem, for you see, the vast majority of author biographies in British publishing go something like this:
INSERT MIDDLE-CLASS NAME HERE was born and grew up in INSERT CITY HERE. They studied at Oxford/Cambridge and previously worked as a bookseller.
Obviously, there are multitudes within me, and I'm very proud of all that I have accomplished, despite not attending university or deigning to work for Waterstones, but how could I communicate to the publishing world that I am desirable and, furthermore, it should desire me?
I don't know that I have much to say, I warned my agent, but I was born in London in 1996.
See? I'm cosmopolitan and burgeoning with youth!
My agent suggested I keep it simple - something like X lives in X and works as X, but you can't list Heiress as a profession these days because of woke, and most heiresses will at least attempt to obfuscate their true calling with a degree from The Courtauld.
I argued against Anna’s suggestion that I list my profession as a full-time blogger and confessed my unemployment to my agent (not that I would have felt any more glamorous for revealing an ‘illustrious’ career in administration), who suggested I use the supplementary sentence, 'When Lily isn’t writing, she can be found x and y.'
At last! A chance to show the literary world the most important facets of my soul! Or, in my case, just brag about being flexible. Yes, I do think that the literary world should know that I am a six-feet-tall1 woman who has legs (with an inside measurement of 37 inches, no less) she can throw above her head like a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader because I would never conflate literary desirability with any other kind, but, just in case someone else should, they should do so knowing that I once won a can-can competition at a school disco.
When Lily isn’t writing, she can be found at the ballet barre.
See? I'm spry, cultured, and capable of making puns!
But, stretching aside, how else do I fill my time? Hyperfixating on the Fouquet Affair? Dreaming of my Dulcinea, a beautiful Russian called Konstantin? Pining for Malbork Castle?
"Is 'traversing ancient chateaus' too pretentious? Should I put old houses?" I asked Anna, and as we worked out the wording, she said, "I’m old houses, you’re ancient chateaus."
I returned this biography to my agent:
Lily Hyde is a writer born in London in 1996. When she isn’t writing, she can be found at the ballet barre and traversing ancient chateaus.
See? Spry and autistic. What more could you want?
Thanks to Anna for her companionship and biographical advice, and to you for reading! Please consider subscribing or sharing with a link if you enjoyed it. If you would like access to next week’s post about my favourite chateaus, you can do so by getting a paid subscription in the sale!
À bientôt! Stay supple!
A model and a writer? Look out Gretabella Mancina!